I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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