she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
