There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
