Dual....:-)
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
