If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
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