my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
