but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
