I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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