I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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