The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
