just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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