Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
