you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
They have beer where we have blood.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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