Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
