Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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