dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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