You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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