Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
