I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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