God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
