eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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