She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
