Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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