SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
