You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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