your parents love me but you hate me
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
