Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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