You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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