Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
