My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
