Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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