At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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