In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
