Who wears a wallet chain?!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
