I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
