I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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