I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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