NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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