I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
