I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
