So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
