Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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