I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
