just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
