Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
