thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
