I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My vagina is officially offended.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
