Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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