I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
