your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
