I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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