i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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