I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
