im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
