i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
