I wish I could punch you in the face.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
