Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
