The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
