Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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