3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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