On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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