I accidentally burped into my bong.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Randomize
